I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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