i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
