i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
