So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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