WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
