If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize