Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
