I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
