I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my being single is dangerous.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
