...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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