he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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