"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
