i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
