this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
