apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
