mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
