8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
