Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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