ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize