look no pants
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
