I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
