If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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