Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
