I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
