I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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