dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
