I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
