My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
