Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
