I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
