Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
