I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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