My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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