On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
