Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
