gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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