If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
