I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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