I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
