You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
