Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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