I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize