Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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