Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
