the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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