Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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