So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
