mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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