I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize