he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
