The maid of honor just puked.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
