matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
