my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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