Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
