I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
