i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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